


Healing

by Virtual_Reality



Series: Steve and Bucky through the years [8]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Feels, Hospitals, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Kissing, M/M, Major Character Injury, Protective Steve, Protective Steve Rogers, Showers, Steve Feels, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 23:04:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3706955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Virtual_Reality/pseuds/Virtual_Reality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>No smut this chapter. Sorry! NSFW doesn't necessarily guarantee smut!</p>
<p>Not satisfied with this chapter.... I would erase it, and completely rewrite it if I had the time. (Apparently, it's okay. I love my readers.)</p>
    </blockquote>





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> No smut this chapter. Sorry! NSFW doesn't necessarily guarantee smut!
> 
> Not satisfied with this chapter.... I would erase it, and completely rewrite it if I had the time. (Apparently, it's okay. I love my readers.)

Steve watched Bucky carefully remove the bandage from his shoulder, every wince making Steve worry more and more. The memory was still sharp and painful in Steve's mind. Gunfire ringing through the air, strangely familiar, and things were running smoothly when he heard a cry of pain from a too familiar voice. Bucky, who had been hidden in the branches of a tree, had fallen from his perch.

It was several long painful minutes before Steve could rush to his aid, unable to leave his team in the middle of a raid, but the fear that clutched at his heart was suffocating. It was all a bit of a blur, and even in his injured state, Bucky fired the last shot.

It was the only thing that gave him hope. He rushed to Bucky's side, one other on his flank, he doesn't remember who, the rest of the team swept the area for stragglers. Steve noticed the shock of fresh crimson before anything, and his heart stuttered in his chest. For a while, all he can do is stare, completely numb, but when Bucky let out a short painful laugh, Steve's heart broke, and he moved to his side, hands hovering over his body, searching for a safe place to rest. "You don't gotta stare, cap." He rasped out, "I know I look good." His voice is good natured, but his humor is lessened with a wince.

Steve lifted him from the ground, and someone - Dugan - placed his rifle in his arms. Bucky held it one-armed, always the good soldier. With his other hand, he clutched at his wounded shoulder, trying to stop the bleeding. Steve would later find out it was a bullet wound, that he fell because he'd been hit, but in the moment, all he knew was Bucky was hurt, and that was never supposed to happen.

Looking at him today, Steve could only be amazed by his recovery.

Bucky carefully took the bottle of lotion one of the girls had provided him, using it to soothe the dry, chapped skin that irritated the wound.

"Do you need more painkillers?" Steve asked, softly. "I can find a nurse if you're-"

"Steve, if you had it your way, I wouldn't be able too feel my face. You've drugged me up enough, now relax."

"I just hate to see you hurting."

"It's not s'bad," he shrugged, then winced, "just a bit tender." He smirks.

Steve smiled in spite of himself, running a hand through Bucky's hair, "You're a trooper," he smiled, letting his fingers play in the soft, dark strands, "I'm sorry this happened."

Bucky snorted, "Are you kidding me? I'm practically being pampered, never had so many beautiful dames fussin' over me." he wriggled his eyebrows.

"How nice that must be." Steve commented, a bit dryly.

Bucky shrugs, lifting only one shoulder, Steve notices, "Ready to get back in action if I'm honest." He admitted, reaching over his shoulder to apply the lotion to his back. "Help me?"

"Of course."

Bucky didn't say anything, letting Steve take the lotion from him, and move to kneel on the bed behind him. Steve was careful, incredibly gentle as he massaged the lotion into Bucky's injured shoulder, and Bucky let out a soft, contented breath.

"They're releasing me soon," Bucky whispered, "S'long as I keep the skin from drying out, I'll heal up fine."

"Mmm," Steve hummed, leaning to press a kiss to the back of Bucky's neck, right beneath his hairline. "Can't wait to have you back."

"I know," Bucky smirks, "M'sure the boys are sick a' scraping your ass off the asphalt."

"You know me." Steve murmurs, right behind Bucky's ear. "Always getting into trouble." Steve put his arms around him from behind, holding on for much longer than friendly, "Private room must be nice, eh, soldier?"

Bucky laughed softly, gripping Steve's arm tightly. "It's not much without you."

"Mmm..." Steve leaned forward, nuzzling in Bucky's neck, nibbling the skin there. "Three weeks is a long time to miss you."

"Yeah," Bucky sighs, "Hey, Steve?"

"Yeah, Bucks?"

"Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything you need. You know I will."

"Help me stand first," Bucky whispers, and Steve's hands are guiding, helping, supporting his weight. Bucky uses Steve to keep himself balanced, his back is still healing from the trauma. Steve lowered his face to press his forehead lightly against Bucky's, "I need to shower." Bucky whispers, "These sponge baths aren't doing it for me."

"You can barely even stand, how do you expect to shower?"

Bucky's lower lip was caught between his teeth for a second, "Of course I'd need, ah, medical assistance. If you don't mind helping me," He gestured to a door a few feet away. "Showers are that way."

Steve hooked an arm around his waist, leading him.

When Steve got to the line of showers, he can't help but be a bit disappointed. It's a communal shower. A line of showers on a single wall, exposed. Bucky only shook his head when Steve looked at him, gesturing to a wide stall, "I'm considered handicapped," he explained quietly, folding an arm around his aching ribs, "Less embarrassing to have help in the shower in private, yeah?"

Oh.

Their clothes were left in a duffel outside the door, and once they locked the door, Steve took Bucky in his arms, pressed his sore back gently against the soothing cool tile, and kissed him gently.

It was quiet, and sweet, and very still, and though the water barely reached Steve's shoulders from this angle, it cascaded down his chest onto Bucky, and it's warmth was welcome on his chilly skin.

Their kisses are slow, leisure, and sweet, endlessly calm and Bucky lets himself go weak in Steve's arms. Being in the care of all these nurses reminded Bucky of all the things he loved about girls, but this was something he's only had with Steve. They could take turns being strong, neither one was all things at all times, sometimes he held, sometimes he was held, and as a man, being able to depend on someone like that is rare, and beautiful.

Steve kisses him until he's content, then continues until he's not. Until he's had so much of the taste of Steve's mouth, he can't give it up. The shower door had a bolt, but it still wasn't the safest of places for them, but Bucky had wanted this for weeks. He really did need a shower, but he was afraid to ask the nurses, just the understanding he'd be assigned with a man that wasn't Steve for assistance was a source of fear to him.. He couldn't afford the risk that his body may respond to the physical stimulation of being washed by another man, regardless of anything.

"I need you to wash my hair for me." Bucky said softly, trying to be sure he understood that, even though Bucky was willing to spend all day against this wall, every ounce of energy he had kissing Steve, this was, in fact, an actual shower. "With my shoulder... I can't."

"Okay," Steve breathes, and steps away from him long enough to pour a little shampoo from the glass bottle on the shelf. He let it dilute in the shower stream for a moment before working it into Bucky's hair.

He was much more vulnerable than Steve expected, and seemed weak, which was so uncommon, it was unheard of. Bucky's injured shoulder is wrapped in plastic to keep the soapy water from getting to it, but Steve still makes an effort to keep it dry. It's difficult, and Steve is not experienced in the medical field at all, but Bucky doesn't complain. He leans into Steve's chest, sighing as Steve's gentle fingers massage shampoo into his hair then carefully rinse the suds away. It helps so much, Bucky can't shake the idea of something sticky and medicinal clinging to his skin, and he's been longing for a real bath.

With his right arm around Steve, Bucky held himself up. There was a seat, but Bucky didn't want to sit and be washed like some vegetable, he wanted to at least feel like he was semi capable of taking care of himself. Steve grabbed the bar of soap, taking a moment to work up a lather under the direct stream of water. If Steve was good at anything, he was good at making Bucky feel like he was back to normal, he only hoped he'd been able to do the same for Steve all those years ago, nursing him back to health so many times. What goes around comes around, he supposed, and maybe, this was Steve's way of repaying him. It was nice.

The hardest part was finding an angle that didn't aggravate his back, Steve was so used to putting an arm around his lower back, holding their chests together, that he often did it subconsciously, and Bucky would gasp, and wince, the pain unwelcome in his moment with Steve, who would apologize fiercely before Bucky could even insist that he was okay.

Steve did a very good job of remaining focused on his task, especially given his track record of adjusting to the demands of the serum. Bucky was almost disappointed, but also grateful, however much he'd like to be with Steve again, he doesn't have the strength.

When Steve finishes washing him, he laces his sudsy fingers with Bucky's, smiling when he felt the gesture being returned. "Are you in pain?" Steve asks, and Bucky wets his lips, thinking for only a second before Steve gives him that look. That 'tell the truth' look, and he nods apologetically.

"A little," he admits aloud.

"We'll finish up here so you can go rest." Steve decides, reaching to angle the shower head towards them.

Bucky nods, leaning back against the wall as Steve rinsed him, trying his best to be subtle, running hands over Bucky's sudsy body, chasing the bubbles away from his skin with warm water. Bucky reached up, hooking a hand behind Steve's neck to drag him in for a kiss.

Steve towered above him, his hands hesitating a moment, and in that moment, they curl gently around his ribs. As Steve kissed him, Bucky let his good hand stroke through the trails of water on Steve's chest. He wished they could have more than a few minutes, wished they didn't have to be so hasty when they were together. Because honestly, he just wanted some time to hold him. Bucky would rather take Steve to bed with him, just for quiet, peaceful rest. To keep the nightmares away. He'd like to spoon up against Steve's back and breathe him in, or be held in his arms while he slept, but they can't.

Steve's hands are warm and familiar, and Bucky knows his touch better than anyone. He knows the intentions behind his touch of Steve's gentle hands, and the way they stroke over Bucky's bare wet skin. The touch is intimate, but that doesn't mean it was translated to Bucky as sexual. It was chaste, as if Steve were merely keeping him warm like Bucky had done for him all those years. Bucky had no doubt concerning Steve's attraction to him, not an ounce, and his comforting, friendly, sensual touches were as meaningful to him as any sexual touch. Maybe even more so.

He loved Steve, and love was so much more than physical attraction, so he needed more than just a physical relationship, and being held this way brought him so much mental, and emotional peace.

They did venture away from the wall eventually, Steve sitting on the provided chair, Bucky resting in his lap, just enjoying being held.

Laying in Steve's arms, that was the real completion. Being with him like this. Bucky felt he might cry. Steve did cry. With his head tucked against Bucky's hair, a few quiet tears slip down his cheeks. Bucky swiped a thumb across his cheek to catch one before it had a chance to fall. This couldn't last forever, and it would only get harder the longer he waited, so, with a soft kiss, Bucky drew himself back, standing carefully to his feet, ignoring the ache beneath his lower ribs at the thought of Steve's leaving.

Bucky mentally congratulated them for not christening the shower, though, at least for him, the urge had been numbed at a physical level. He was simply in too much pain. Too weak, too tired. He doesn't know how Steve feels. Steve is so quiet, so distant today... Steve dried him, and helped him into his clothes. Bucky tried not to be embarrassed, he really did, but this was embarrassing - being dressed like a child. He thinks he finally understands why Steve was so temperamental all those years. He feels a moment of remorse, but also of fondness at the memory of Steve before the serum. Steve removed the plastic, and bandage, and rewrapped his shoulder and bicep with fresh gauze, then helped him into a shirt. That got them back to Bucky's room easy enough, and they chanced a few minutes of sitting together on Bucky's mattress.

"We gotta be strong, Steve." Bucky whispers, partly to himself, needing the reassurance.

Steve looks up, a sad smile on his face. "Feeling doesn't make you weak, Buck. It makes you real. It keeps us human."

"Sometimes I think I'm losing that part of myself." Bucky crosses his arms, that feeling of burning behind his ribs refusing to settle, "All this mess... Every time I pull the trigger..."

"Hey," Steve rested a hand on his good shoulder, gently. "I know it's hard, Buck, but wars don't last forever."

Bucky knows, but he also knows he won't see the end of it. He got lucky this time, but next time he may not. "That's not it, though." Bucky looked at him, watching his brows furrow, his pretty blue eyes search him, "I never thought... Never imagined that it could be so easy to kill someone. I barely feel anything anymore." It was hard to admit out loud, but true all the same. All this war - this bloodshed - had numbed him.

"Buck..." Steve pressed his lips together, and it was hard to look at the hesitance, and fear, and pain that marred his beautiful features, and know he was the one that put them there. "Stay here a bit longer. Rest. Heal. There's enough of us for the runs the next couple weeks. You don't have to put yourself through this."

"I can't stay here while you go pick a fight. Someone's gotta be there to save your scrawny ass."

Steve smiled, and he knew it looked forced. "You know I don't need you to protect me anymore."

Bucky shook his head. "I've never been able to protect you, Stevie. Not from bullies, or asthma, or anything. But I've always been there to save you."

"And you still will be," Steve insisted, "Right here, in this recovery room. Where I'll know you're safe instead of getting myself killed trying to watch out for you."

"You sound like me," Bucky murmurs.

Steve sighs, because it was true. Bucky used to tell him stuff like that all the time. Never stopped him, though. Steve rested at Bucky's side, just for a moment, putting his arms around him. "I'm sorry this happened." Steve whispered, "I know you're hurting." He sighed, "You weren't supposed to get hurt. You're never... All those years you...."

"Steve," Bucky laid a hand over Steve's, wishing he was well enough to turn on his side, and snuggle closer, "This is war, all those years don't count. I made it out this time, but next time, I probably won't be so lucky, but that's okay-"

"Bucky, no." Steve pulled back to look at him, "No, don't talk like that."

"As long as it's me and not you." He finished quietly. He knows he'll probably die out there, especially now that he's worn down. He's surprised he even made it this far, but he remembered how it felt, lying in the damp grass, cold and alone, helpless to watch the chaos continue around him, wishing death would come faster because his spine felt crushed, and each breath he dragged into his lungs felt rough, and splintered, yet his body continued to pull in oxygen as the shock caused him to hyperventilate, and in the last minutes, he looked after Steve. It's what he was on this earth for, he was sure. Like some kind of twisted guardian angel, damned to the hell that was war, and now he was fallen, and Steve was still alive and powerful, and beautiful, like a dream, and Bucky could let go of the world as long as Steve was safe.

Steve was crying, and Bucky knew it was his fault, but that just had to be. Steve has to understand that he's not immortal, he has to let go of this illusion that Bucky was unable to be touched by this because of a few fist fights back home, this is war, things do happen, and things will, and Bucky needs to know that Steve won't give up when he's gone.

"You're an asshole." Steve breathed, wiping his face, "Stop pretending I'll be fine if you're gone. Because I won't be. You're all I got."

"I know." Bucky says. "We're a team, Steve. You and me." He reached for him, but Steve stood quickly.

Bucky winced.

"Stay." Steve insisted, "Just until you rebuild your strength." Steve bargained, because that was his lowest offer. "Please."

"Okay." Bucky agreed, reluctantly, "I'll stay."

"Good." Steve sighed, "I have to go now."

"Steve..." Bucky tried to sit up, but his back protested the action. "Steve, don't... Don't leave yet. I never get to see you."

"I'm sorry. Someone is coming, and I was only allowed to visit you."

"This isn't fair, damn it. I hate being a patient."

"I know, sweetheart." Steve says, "I know, Bucks. I'll come back to visit you."

Bucky sat back, and this time, it was him trying to hold back tears. "Fine."

Steve leaned down briefly, cupping his face, and pressing a quick kiss to his lips, holding him back when he tried to chase after his kiss. "I love you."

"I love you back," He whispered, but he still looked hurt, "and, Steve-"

Steve lifts a finger to his lips in warning before two nurses are filing through the door with a wheelchair.

Slipping out the door, Bucky caught his eyes one last time, and with a little finger wave, he was gone again.

Bucky already missed him.


End file.
